While I won’t say that being a stay at home mom (SAHM) is
harder than being a working mom, I will readily admit that I am more stressed
out now than I was as a working mom. And it’s not because of the kids. It’s
because of stay at home moms.
You ladies stress me out for several reasons.
One, so many of you seem incredibly happy to have children. Not in the “I love my children more than anything” kind of happy. More so the “My life was never meant to be anything more than this” kind of way. And that’s so foreign to me. I never wanted children.
You ladies stress me out for several reasons.
One, so many of you seem incredibly happy to have children. Not in the “I love my children more than anything” kind of happy. More so the “My life was never meant to be anything more than this” kind of way. And that’s so foreign to me. I never wanted children.
(GASP!!! The horror of a mother admitting that. I know, I
know. Take a minute to recover from the shock…)
Seriously. I never wanted them. I didn’t even want them when
I was pregnant with my first. I am thankful now that Brett talked me out of an
abortion, but it was something I seriously considered because I truly did not
want kids. I wasn’t happy about my body not being my own anymore. I wasn’t
happy about my body being “ruined” by pregnancy. I wasn’t happy with the
thought of waking up every few hours to feed a screaming baby, or change a
diaper, or find a pacifier, or any of the things that go along with having
children. I was especially not happy about the thought of how it would mess up
my career.
But you professional mommies… that’s a dream come true for you. You go into mass amounts of detail about how your bodies changed and you became this life-giving goddess, and your lives changed, and it was love at first sight when you first held your child (something I did not experience), and it’s so magical and special to you all that it makes me feel like a freak that I don’t feel the same way.
In the working world, I rarely encountered that with another woman. In fact, I rarely encountered other women my age that even had children. The ones that did would tell stories about their kids, but most didn’t delve into such detail about their parenting techniques, or how their labors went, or if their kids were pooping on schedule. We had other things going on and our personal lives were kept pretty much personal. Therefore, there was nothing to compare the way it is with SAHMs. Parenting is your job and you compare it the way we would compare interview notes.
Which brings me to point two: I am better with adults than children and stay at home moms seem to have the kid thing down.
Again, I can compare articles I’ve written or bounce ideas for articles off my coworkers. But let me start planning things for kids and it’s “we’ll make crafts out of paper plates, go to the park, go to the library and then eat a healthy snack. That’ll take care of the first… 3 hours only!?!?!”
But SAHMs it down. Or so it seems. I’m not saying they do for real, but they sure do know how to make it look like they do when they post pictures on Facebook of Bento lunches they made while simultaneously breast feeding two children and repainting the Mona Lisa. And speaking of the Mona Lisa, what the hell kind of artistic kids are you women birthing? My child is just now coloring inside the lines at age 4 and some of you have 1 year olds that can knit sweaters for the homeless.
My problem is that I don’t have the patience for kids. I barely have patience for adults. I can play with kids. I can talk to kids. I interact fine with my kids. I just feel like I’m doing it wrong when I see how seasoned SAHMs do things with their kids.
And the way you do things is stressful to me. Point three is that sometimes I feel like less of a mother and less of a woman because I am not baby wearing twins on my back and teaching a toddler Latin while picking an all organic, vegan lunch from the garden in my back yard. While that may seemed far fetched to some, I assure you it isn’t. I have Facebook friends that do these things. And even though I did not want children, when I decided I would have them, I made the decision to do what’s best for them.
For me, that included breastfeeding as long as I could. Great, right? Not for some SAHMs, and they’ll tell you all about how your child is going to have a horrible immune system, have mommy issues, only look at breasts as sex objects, and a whole host of other things to drive home the point that Breast is Best. And don’t you dare tell them that maternity leave only lasts six weeks and while it would be nice to still pump breast milk for your child while working, some jobs just don’t allow for that to happen. No, if you tell them that, they’ll tell you you’re selfish.
I also chose to cloth diaper. It’s good for the environment and for children with sensitivities to the chemicals in disposable diapers. That’s a fantastic choice, right? Well, that really depends on the brand you use, the type of diaper rash cream, if you use a reusable wet bag, and on and on and on! And this type of scenario applies to all things parenting and it started to feel like I was making parenting decisions that were better for the SAHMs I know than for my own children.
And that really stressed me out. Because the whole purpose of me becoming a work at home mom (WAHM) was for the good of my children. And they are happy children, healthy children, well adjusted, funny, intelligent, independent, kind, loving children. And when they play with other children it doesn’t matter to them if little Bonnie on the playground was breastfed or not, has two moms or two dads, or not, eats organic or canned fruit, or not, so why should it matter to me what other SAHMs/WAHMs are doing as long as their children are also healthy, loved, and taken care of?
But you professional mommies… that’s a dream come true for you. You go into mass amounts of detail about how your bodies changed and you became this life-giving goddess, and your lives changed, and it was love at first sight when you first held your child (something I did not experience), and it’s so magical and special to you all that it makes me feel like a freak that I don’t feel the same way.
In the working world, I rarely encountered that with another woman. In fact, I rarely encountered other women my age that even had children. The ones that did would tell stories about their kids, but most didn’t delve into such detail about their parenting techniques, or how their labors went, or if their kids were pooping on schedule. We had other things going on and our personal lives were kept pretty much personal. Therefore, there was nothing to compare the way it is with SAHMs. Parenting is your job and you compare it the way we would compare interview notes.
Which brings me to point two: I am better with adults than children and stay at home moms seem to have the kid thing down.
Again, I can compare articles I’ve written or bounce ideas for articles off my coworkers. But let me start planning things for kids and it’s “we’ll make crafts out of paper plates, go to the park, go to the library and then eat a healthy snack. That’ll take care of the first… 3 hours only!?!?!”
But SAHMs it down. Or so it seems. I’m not saying they do for real, but they sure do know how to make it look like they do when they post pictures on Facebook of Bento lunches they made while simultaneously breast feeding two children and repainting the Mona Lisa. And speaking of the Mona Lisa, what the hell kind of artistic kids are you women birthing? My child is just now coloring inside the lines at age 4 and some of you have 1 year olds that can knit sweaters for the homeless.
My problem is that I don’t have the patience for kids. I barely have patience for adults. I can play with kids. I can talk to kids. I interact fine with my kids. I just feel like I’m doing it wrong when I see how seasoned SAHMs do things with their kids.
And the way you do things is stressful to me. Point three is that sometimes I feel like less of a mother and less of a woman because I am not baby wearing twins on my back and teaching a toddler Latin while picking an all organic, vegan lunch from the garden in my back yard. While that may seemed far fetched to some, I assure you it isn’t. I have Facebook friends that do these things. And even though I did not want children, when I decided I would have them, I made the decision to do what’s best for them.
For me, that included breastfeeding as long as I could. Great, right? Not for some SAHMs, and they’ll tell you all about how your child is going to have a horrible immune system, have mommy issues, only look at breasts as sex objects, and a whole host of other things to drive home the point that Breast is Best. And don’t you dare tell them that maternity leave only lasts six weeks and while it would be nice to still pump breast milk for your child while working, some jobs just don’t allow for that to happen. No, if you tell them that, they’ll tell you you’re selfish.
I also chose to cloth diaper. It’s good for the environment and for children with sensitivities to the chemicals in disposable diapers. That’s a fantastic choice, right? Well, that really depends on the brand you use, the type of diaper rash cream, if you use a reusable wet bag, and on and on and on! And this type of scenario applies to all things parenting and it started to feel like I was making parenting decisions that were better for the SAHMs I know than for my own children.
And that really stressed me out. Because the whole purpose of me becoming a work at home mom (WAHM) was for the good of my children. And they are happy children, healthy children, well adjusted, funny, intelligent, independent, kind, loving children. And when they play with other children it doesn’t matter to them if little Bonnie on the playground was breastfed or not, has two moms or two dads, or not, eats organic or canned fruit, or not, so why should it matter to me what other SAHMs/WAHMs are doing as long as their children are also healthy, loved, and taken care of?
Angel, I love you to pieces. I am a SAHM, and you say you have other SAHM friends who do all these wonderful things. Can you give then my number? I could use some pointers. Half the day I spend cleaning up various messes my kids makes, and the other half trying to get a shower for myself. Lol some days I just want to walk out the door when my husband gets home a spend like 6hrs at the gym for a little me time. I didn't want kids either, truthfully. I love my son more than anything, but I really miss.using the bathroom in any form without an audience. Lol I feel ya girl! <3
ReplyDeleteYou make me laugh, Angel. And you also make me bring up a very important question--why are we mommies comparing ourselves to other mommies? It happens to all of us. I have a few FB friends that make me look like I'm a shoe-in for the mommy of the century award. And then I have a few FB friends that are such astoundingly wonderful cyber-mommies that I seriously consider deleting them from my account because they make me feel badly about not knitting little organic-yarn blankets and washing them with those little berries that are grown in the Himalayas instead of using commercial forms of laundry detergent. But I decided years ago (when the other SAHMs were driving me crazy) that I can't compare myself to other mommies--it makes me bitter. When I was pregnant with my oldest, I had someone suggest that I give birth without any medication so that my newly born child, umbilical cord still attached, could climb up my body without assistance and begin to breast feed on his own. I laughed at the time. I didn't even breast feed after having my first kiddo via c-section. And a few years later, when we found out that our oldest child had/has autism, I went about blaming myself for every tiny moment in his life that I could have possibly caused it. Did it happen because I didn't breastfeed--did I drink too many acidic drinks when I was pregnant--did I not rock him enough-- did I possibly not love him enough in the instant that he was born, when I didn't feel that immediate connection that society had promised me? These questions, and a zillion more, almost drove me crazy. But you know what? I think that the beauty of life is found in our response to our own questions. Am I a perfect Mommy? Nope, but I try to do my best. Am I going to be a perfect Mommy? Nope, and I'm okay with that. The most important question for me is this one: am I doing the best that I can do to form these sweet kiddos into outstanding adults that strive to make society better? I sure hope so. I know that you hope so, too. Only time will tell... and we may or may not like the answer in the end.
ReplyDeleteGREAT post, by the way. Keep up the writing. You rock.